Since moving last month, I was lucky to arrive at a home housing a Nintendo Wii. My initial tasks were to master the arts of Wii Sports. I decided boxing and golf were bollocks, but tennis and baseball needed my domination. Tennis is easy to gain points on once after the realization to just flick your wrist forward for hard hits. Don’t swinging your arms in an exaggerated movement.

Wii Baseball was another animal. Once reaching 900 points (with 1000 being “pro”-level), the computer AI’s hitters crushed every pitch. Then my contact was a sharp grounder straight to a fielder. A soulcrushingly-low BABIP. This was more upsetting due to my fielders constantly making errors, keeping in mind you can’t even control your fielders as it’s automated. All you do is pitch and hit.

After reading a few tips online, I turned 7-0 mercy rule loses into 10-2 drubbings of my computer opponent.

Wii Baseball techniques

  1. Double-tap the directional pad left or right when pitching to ensure the ball goes off the plate. Sometimes when holding the button in, my balls would still go straight down the middle.
  2. Try to never use a fastball, instead relying on Jamie Moyer-style junk. Just don’t emulate his 2004 season (44HR given up in 200IP!?)
  3. If you’re a righty, pitch curve balls inside to left-handed hitters and screwballs inside to right-handed hitters. For southpaws do the opposite pitching techniques. This jams the opponent, reducing the likelihood of solid contact.
  4. The odd time, mix up a screwball away to lefties and curve ball away to righties, making sure to throw the pitch slowly and off the plate.
  5. You can sometimes get away with an inside 95MPH fastball to strike players out, but use it rarely. Keep in mind, if the computer makes contact, they’ll likely hit it harder than softer throws.
  6. Mix in splitters to keep the AI honest as they’ll sometimes chase in 2 strike counts.
  7. Change arm slots every couple pitches, using 2 to select sidearm and 1 to go back to overhand. I mostly stick to sidearm as it makes the softer pitches harder to lift for distance.
  8. For hitting, recognize splitters by their lack of movement and do not swing as they are outside the strike zone 99.9% of the time and the only contact you can make is a come-backer or foul tip.
  9. Do not swing at a pitch until you get a called first strike. Never. Seriously. 1000pt+ opponents throw splitters and junk outside for 75%+ of their pitches, so you’ll walk a couple times in the first inning alone. This tires the pitcher by the second inning.
  10. … and a tired pitcher leads to failed splitters that end up being 70MPH meatballs down the heart. You’ll recognize these by the red exclamation mark that appears over the pitcher’s head. Anticipate and pull a sharp line-drive into the cheap seats for glory.

Use these tips wisely and become a master at being a huge nerd! Just remember, chicks dig the longball.