A friend told me I sound like a Buddhist monk since I always speak with one tone so quietly. Maybe I should start raising my voice a bit more so I can be an obnoxious jerk? Man, look at the funbags on that broad! The sound of that car exhaust is fucking DOPE. I eat my Big Mac with motherfucking fries, bitch. I prefer to keep my rants at a low volume.

Also, a big fuck you to mandatory training at 9am on a Saturday. I’m surprised I even showed up on time since in the past three weeks I’ve been at my shift on time once. The first mention from a supervisor/manager that I will be disciplined and I quit. This is what happens when you don’t give your employees job references. Also, it’s fun to point out that two errors made by one idiot programming a VBscript for Windows’ encrypted file system caused a certain American corporation to lose likely millions of dollars.

I decided to type up what criteria we’re marking on for quality when our calls are monitored. It’ll be fun if my employers search for any of these terms and find this site. Then they’ll sue me because, “you put our quality metrics into the public domain! Well, FYAD.

• Introduction
  1. Prepared for call
  2. Used appropriate greeting
  3. Confirmed clients name
  4. Used client’s name
  5. Confirmed location
  6. Confirmed client’s phone number
• Problem Identification
  1. Identified the Problem
  2. Took ownership of the call
  3. Asked permission to put client on hold
  4. Hold time kept to less than 3 minutes or client kept updated
  5. Thanked client for holding
  6. Followed master ticket procedure
  7. Followed procedure for callback on existing ticket
  8. Followed escalation procedure
  9. Dealt with all of client’s issues
• Wrap Up
  1. Provided a realistic timeframe for follow-up
  2. Did not provide client with personal phone number
  3. Advised client of ticket process
  4. Support referred to by group name only
  5. Demonstrated good knowledge of company policies, procedures, and related tools
  6. Confirmed client’s email address
  7. Use of proper conference call procedures were followed
  8. Urgency of call confirmed
  9. Client was provided with ticket number
  10. Gave client undivided attention
  11. Had an appropriate closing
• Communication
  1. Had a pleasant manner
  2. Showed empathy for client’s situation
  3. Allowed client to state issue/problem without interruption
  4. Used proper grammar and terminology
  5. Was open-minded, did not assume client was wrong
  6. Showed confidence in their knowledge through verbal communication
  7. Justified dead air
  8. Call length was appropriate
  9. Provided accurate info
  10. Confirmed confidentiality of displayed items on client pc before remoting to their system
  11. Support’s phone number is not provided to the client
• Damage Control
  1. Damaged the relationship with the client
  2. Transferred the client without an introduction
  3. Took a personal call while on line with client
  4. Client seemed unhappy with the service quality of the analyst
  5. Confidentiality of email being received from client was no confirmed
  6. Permission to use remote control tool on the client’s system was not requested
  7. Displayed unprofessional conduct
  8. Security procedure for a password reset was not followed
  9. Coaching alert

Communication is my favourite section, since it’s the very one that makes everyone fake their personalities for 8 hours a day. Also Client seemed unhappy with the service quality of the analyst is a hit. What the fuck does it matter if the client seems unhappy? If we provided them support for everything they’ve been “trained” to support, what the hell does it matter what Corporate Whore #394054′s expectations are? You assholes are calling me for help and you make three or four times what I make. Awesome too are the people that I work with for approx. an hour then tell them I’ll have to send their problem up to our second level because I can’t resolve the issue. Then they get pissed saying, “I want this problem fixed NOW”. “I tried everything I can.” This one woman said Outlook was “too slow” even though it was workable. She got fucking pissed at me when I said I’d transfer her problem then I showed her a workaround by using the company’s webmail system temporarily until her problem was fixed and then she fucking hung up on me while I was in the middle of talking. You have the right to nothing, not even your life. Suck a motherfucking tailpipe.

The new Oceansize album Everything in Position is the dog’s bollocks.

• Slapstickery
• Topical

• Now Playing: Goldfrapp - Supernature - 05 - Let It Take You