Sunday, February 13th, 2005. A date marking the rite of passage of a man who may some day soon reach his last wits. A day that on the surface seemed as normal as ever, but unforeseen factors interrupted, making the day sicked and twisted – forcing a man question his very being. He was reminded he was not alone… and this humanity was inescapable.
After a Saturday night of light drinking, I woke up the following morning absent a hangover. I followed the shower and breakfast routine and then returned to the most immediate comfort – the Internet! I gave Frances the Mute another thorough listen and then watched an ancient At the Drive-In bootleg. Perhaps I even Shacked a little. My memory is quite foggy after a week, however this loss really isn’t due to temporal limits of the mind. Those memories were simply eclipsed by objectional happenings of another degree.
At approximately 2PM, while I sat in my basement bedroom, two of my housemates and two other friends were sitting upstairs in the living room, a process locally known as burning out. My house is part of a townhouse complex of 72 units (we live in an end-unit), with most of its population being students aged 19 to 22. While my four friends in their early 20s lounged upstairs, a figure came to the foreground of their peripheral vision. Outside the living room window could be seen a human moving towards our home – through our backyard. Without knocking, grunting, or yelping, this figure opened our back door, walked in, looked at my friends, and made a sound similar to “nyuh”. Without skipping a beat one of my housemates asks, “What’s up, man!?”. Now my other three friends think my housemate knows this person. Maybe he’s an uncle? Another actually asks, “Do you know this guy?”, to which my housemate replied, “Yeah, yeah…” The one who walked in was an older man, perhaps in his 50s or 60s with a flush red face and clearly smelling of alcohol. He took off his jacket and helped himself to a seat. The friend asks my housemate again if he knows the man and this time he tells the truth, “no”. Luckily one of the guys had his digital camera handy, with the resulting conversation now appearing in DivX form:
At the end of the video there’s a mention of someone upstairs… this is another housemate not yet aware of imminent zaniness. Unfortunately the digital camera’s memory ran out, so we were unable to capture his greeting with the drunken man affectionately now known as Andy (or so he said his name was…). He requested some water which he guzzled down at a rate similar to Filthysock’s toyfriend, additionally spilling some on his shirt. Now is the point where the insanity begins. I had finished breakfast in my room and decided to ascend from my den of iniquity to place my dirty dishes in the kitchen. Before I give a URL to this shocking and amazing video, I want you to pay special attention to a couple features involving our dear friend Andy.
1) He has likely been drinking alcohol often over the past 24 hours.
2) He just drank two glasses of water.
3) My apprehension walking upstairs to see him sitting in my living room. I give a timid, “Hi…”, hammering away a thought process to derive why this man was within 10 feet of me. My friends were obviously getting a kick out of this. I may have attained a certain level of paralysis as the decreasing distance between our two masses increased the gravity of the situation. A simple handshake turned into something else. Something… something that plays back in my mind over and over.
4) Look at the dampness of his pants.
We took pictures:
andy1.jpg, I’ll be sure to send my family this one.
andy2.jpg Clear cut evidence. Look. Guffaw.
What makes this even more horrible is that nobody realized the truth at the time! After the incident, we carefully analyzed the digital footage, mostly for a laugh, but what we uncovered was a wicked ordeal no man should ever encounter. Like unpeeling a banana, the indisputable truth underneath the surface was uncovered – that’s right ladies and gentlemen, A GROWN MAN FUCKING PISSED ON ME. He pissed his fucking pants!
We realized now was the time to rid our dear safe haven of this menace. How do you remove a drunk from your presence? That much is obvious:
I just love how my housemate said, “If you’re ever in the area…”. Yeah, we lock our doors now. So yes, he left, we watched the video, I realized he pissed himself hugging me. I guess I have that certain je ne sais pas. Ugh. Now can you imagine if this guy walked into another unit in our complex? Maybe one housed by all girls? I guess being Canadian boys, we just played along to the whole ridiculous situation, but if he approached other people, the conclusion would have likely been vastly different.
Oh dear god.
It’s nice when something worthy of a blog post gets posted. This is one of those moments.
Ag, you are my god.
ahahahaha
It’s a vision of my future.
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